Why do I keep repeating the same patterns?

One of the most frustrating stages of healing is when you can see your patterns clearly but still find yourself repeating them. This is not a sign of failure, it’s actually a sign of progress. Let’s explore why this happens.

What does it actually mean to become more aware of a pattern? I spoke in this post here about limiting beliefs and used the example of My Best Is Not Good Enough. So let’s return to that and unpack it a little more. Last time we zoomed in on it as a limiting belief and explored how it might be creating stress. This time we’re going to dig into the kinds of patterns it might create in your life.

If your best is not good enough you might not hand something in until it’s double-checked, triple-checked or quadruple-checked. Or maybe you procrastinate on something for so long that you only have a very short period of time in which to actually do the thing. This means you’ve just let yourself off the hook for even trying to make it good. You’re just trying to get it done at this stage.

Neither of these extremes are actually bad in themselves. If you’ve spent your life believing that your best is not good enough, then you’re going to have to get pretty creative to get anything done at all. And if quadruple checking or procrastination are some of those patterns then it might be worth pausing with them long enough to recognise them for what they are.

Coping Strategies

If you double, triple, quadruple checked the thing and it turned out ok, you found a strategy that helped you to cope with stress. If you procrastinated until the very last minute and then rushed something through just to have the thing done at all, same thing. It was a coping strategy.

At no point in these scenarios were you trying to make life harder for yourself. You were only trying to make it easier.

Which is exactly why these patterns can be so difficult to change.

If a pattern has been helping you navigate stress for years, it makes sense that it doesn't disappear overnight just because you became aware of it.

So why is it that it can feel harder to break the pattern once we become aware of it?

Becoming more aware of your patterns is a beautiful step in the healing process. It’s the moment at which you see yourself more clearly. This is the moment of clarity.

Why clarity does not equal change

It feels counterintuitive that a moment of clarity doesn’t immediately produce change. We can fall into the trap of wanting the pattern to be gone now that we can see it. This distinction matters.

You used to run this pattern without any awareness of it. Now you’re running this pattern and you do have awareness of it. Can you see that’s already progress?

I get that it can be frustrating to sit with a pattern that’s past its use-by date but hasn’t left the room yet.

Because everywhere you go, there you are.

In these moments the easiest thing to do is to bring in some compassion. Really see yourself and where you’re at.

It’s just a pattern, it’s not who you are.

This growing awareness doesn't just help us recognise patterns. It can also help us see the beliefs, behaviours and stress responses sitting underneath them. If you'd like to explore that idea more deeply, I wrote about it here.

Clarity creates choice

Now, here’s the important bit. If you’re able to stay with the discomfort of the pattern for long enough, you’ll notice that something new is happening. Awareness of the pattern is creating a gap. A moment between the pattern appearing in your awareness, and the pattern continuing.

This, dear reader, is the holy grail of healing. It’s the moment of moments, and it’s the one I want you to pay very close attention to.

When you stand at the threshold of that gap, you will see that it’s a choice point. You get a momentary exhale. A slight pause in your thought train.

This is where your power lies.

In this moment you get to decide who you’re going to be this time around. This is what creates change. This choice point.

Which is not to say that you’re going to be perfect every time you find yourself at the choice point. We’re talking about discomfort here, and it’s not always comfortable to change right away.

But it is possible to stay with the discomfort long enough to choose differently sometimes. That’s also progress. Sometimes is still progress.

Change can only come at the speed of your nervous system’s capacity to handle it. Which is also a beautiful part of healing. Every time you stay with the discomfort instead of rushing back into the familiar pattern, you're strengthening your capacity to make a new choice next time.

Before we finish, I want to leave you with this - shaming yourself into change is not going to work. It will shut your nervous system down, hard and fast. Stand on the threshold with compassion, knowing that this pattern doesn’t mean anything about you as a human being. It’s just a coping strategy. And you’re learning new strategies as you grow and become more aware. Just like going to the gym, you have to put the reps in. Compassionate reps, you know?

If you're finding yourself stuck in the gap between awareness and change, this is exactly the kind of thing I support people through. Together we explore the patterns that keep repeating, build capacity for the discomfort that comes with change and create space for new choices to emerge.

You can check availability for sessions here.

May you bring awareness to the parts of you that are healing

May you stand in awareness, on the threshold of change, and call it progress

May you have the courage and compassion to breathe through the discomfort, ready to make a new choice